What I've Learned....

April 1, 2015

Ryan, age 13 

Two years ago, in a moment of weakness, I posted the blog, Autism Sucks. It still applies.  However, recently I feel like I’ve come to terms with Autism and am currently at peace with it. I know it won’t remain that way, but for now we are at a cease fire. 

This is about what I’ve learned thus far...

When I was younger, being alone was terrifying. I always needed someone around. I transferred schools three times while in middle school and was about as sad and awkward as they came.  One school in particular I didn’t have many friends and was very much a self-imposed outcast. I think that is why I’ve been so terrified of middle school for Ryan.  I have come to understand that now. That was my hang-up, my experience. As a parent, I recognize that my preconceived notions that those without friends were lonely were wrong. I’ve learned to let go of my own hang-ups. 

While it hurts to hear my son say, “I don’t have any friends.” I know it is true in some ways, in other ways it's not. It still hurts to hear. However, he doesn’t recognize what friendship means and that there are various types of friendship. There are times when Ryan is happy just being by himself. I’ve learned to accept that.

He is social and extremely outgoing, but his awkwardness and inability to read social cues and conventions often left him without anyone close. He has opportunities to form the type of close friendships that seem to be a must for surviving middle school, but he either doesn’t want to, or is unable, but he doesn’t need them to be happy, let alone survive. We walked through the halls of the middle school and in each hall someone called out his name; someone gave him a high five - didn't matter the grade or if it was a girl or a boy. Kids smiled when they saw Ryan. How is that not friendship?  He makes people smile. I’ve learned there are different types of friendship.  

When he feels like it, he goes out front and plays with the neighborhood kids in a pick-up game of some sport. He loves playing sports, but finds the lack of adhering to the rules angering and it often sets him off. As he matures, he realizes when he can and when he can’t handle it.  The neighborhood boys are a blessing. They ring our bell and ask for him and his brother to both come out. They know Ry is different and he often gets frustrated, and can be disruptive. They still want him to play. The other day, I saw one of the boys walk over and put his arm around Ryan to calm him. It was a profound moment for me.  It taught me that he doesn’t need me hovering. I’ve learned to let go (a little). 

Ryan is 13 now. He is a red belt in karate, a second year member of Frederick County's Honors Chorus and a straight-A student. He is growing up and maturing. He talks about Autism and how it affects him. He thanks people for wearing Autism t-shirts and sees it as a way they support him! It is gratifying to have him actively explain things to me about his life and how he perceives it, instead of me explaining why it is different to him. He tells me what he can and cannot handle and it is such a relief to see him recognize those things. He is able to predict when something is going to set him off and do something to avoid it.  I’ve learned the hard work has paid off.

He dreams of going away to college and knows it will take more than other kids for him to get there. He works hard with his therapist and in his therapeutic social group which consists of adolescent boys with autism. He sets goals for himself and plows through with determination to meet them. I see him on the path to handling adult life on his own. With that, I’ve learned to hope.

I’ve learned what it means to be ‘Different, not less’.

Embrace it, don’t fear it.

All paths are different, but trying to see what you've learned in a positive light makes the journey more illuminating.